A New Day

Yesterday I forgot to pray and my pretty good morning slowly moved into a crappy afternoon into a really shitty night. My husband snapped at me a few times and apologized but then snapped at me again and I snapped! I left. I couldn't be in my house anymore and it would have been a perfect time to go to a meeting but instead I chose to wallow in my own misery about what I don't even really know. I came back and treated my kids/husband like crap pretty much for the rest of the night.
And now as I am writing this I still feel something...I just don't know what it is.....So I guess I will pray about it and hopefully figure out what it is and deal with it.
8 months ago I would have felt guilt and shame and thought about 5:00 and when I could open my bottle of wine.
Today I feel hope and different and okay.

I know that I am in Recovery

My Daily Affirmation for today:

How do I know that I'm recovering? I know that I'm recovering because I'm standing up for myself. Nobody can put me down anymore.
I know that I'm recovering because I am teaching my children to be themselves-and to be proud of it.
I know I'm recovering because I can feel.
I know I'm recovering because I'm seeing the reality in all situations. I am refusing to be hopeless about anything.
I know I'm recovering because I realize that the failure in any of my relationships was not my fault. I am not a failure because a relationship didn't work out.
I know I'm recovering because I don't have to do everything perfectly.
These signs of recovery did not appear all at once. Gradually, through time, I am noticing changes that let me know that my struggle is worth the effort.

Feelings

The other day I was making my son a lemon/pudding/cake for his 9th birthday party and a wave came over me. It was like a happy feeling, so I sat and kindof felt it and thought about it. I think it was a grateful feeling. I wasn't really sure at first since a few months ago I only had negative feelings ie: mad/cheated/not-supported, etc.
Looking forward to a glass a wine - even if I'm not going to have it until the clock hits 5. It still takes up the WHOLE day. For so long, I thought I wasn't that bad because I don't drink until 5:00 or sometimes 5:30. But it consumed me for the entire day. It robbed me of my life for how many years..
Not anymore. I want to feel the negative feelings and work through them because then I get to feel ALL the positive feelings too!

Did I hit my bottom?

So I went to two meetings last night. One was a living sober meeting and the other was a speaker meeting, where a group came in from out of town. Anyway, the meetings were awesome! I learned a lot, heard a lot, took in a lot. The only question is..have I hit my bottom? Some of the women that spoke had 6 years sobriety and started up again, for 5 more years of drinking, then got sober again. I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! I'm so afraid of that happening, it takes my breath away. When I go to these meetings, I feel like a fraud, like I will be back after I really hit my bottom, like this is just a dress rehearsal, because the real "drunk" in me hasn't revealed itself. The sober person I am today is the "good girl" always doing the right thing. Is it possible to STAY sober when you haven't lost everything?

Aha Moment

I have just returned from a great vacation at Cape Cod with my family. I was there for 13 days! The longest ever. It was very relaxing and for the first time I did it sober! I also fiinnaallyyy finished "Lit". It took me a long time to get into it and then I just hit a groove. The Aha came while I was reading her chapters about prayer. She was describing exactly how I felt. But after I finished it - I got it. (I think) (I hope) I decided to start praying. So I try to remember to do it every morning and every night. And every time I want to say something judgemental about someone, I stop myself and say "Who am I to judge" I have been repeating the Serentity prayer over and over and over in my head when I'm mad at my husband or kids. I've been asking God to help me be a kinder person, stay sober, anything....because after reading Mary Karr's book, I figure if she can do it--I can do it!

Brand new me..

Okay, here goes~
I don't know much about blogging. I'm not really that hip, although I was back in the day...Maybe me talking "out loud" will help in my recovery.
I have been sober for about 6 months. I did not hit a "rock" bottom. I decided to quit with the help/pressure of my husband and father. My Dad has been sober forever. Was a director of a treatment center. (which I worked at) So he has helped tremendously.
I was always the type of kid that did everything the right way, was "perfect" but did not get rewarded for it. My mother resented me I think. So even in getting sober, I'm doing it the "right" way. I know I could go wayyyyyy down farther. I try to keep that in the back of my mind. The alkie in me wants to go there. I want to say Fuck off to everyone and drink into oblivion. But the good girl says no..too much guilt.
Can I get better doing the right thing? Even though I was punished as a child for it. We will see.