Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Did I hit my bottom?
So I went to two meetings last night. One was a living sober meeting and the other was a speaker meeting, where a group came in from out of town. Anyway, the meetings were awesome! I learned a lot, heard a lot, took in a lot. The only question is..have I hit my bottom? Some of the women that spoke had 6 years sobriety and started up again, for 5 more years of drinking, then got sober again. I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! I'm so afraid of that happening, it takes my breath away. When I go to these meetings, I feel like a fraud, like I will be back after I really hit my bottom, like this is just a dress rehearsal, because the real "drunk" in me hasn't revealed itself. The sober person I am today is the "good girl" always doing the right thing. Is it possible to STAY sober when you haven't lost everything?
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What a great post! Definitely something to think about. The way I see it, and the way I absorb other people's "bottoms" is as a lesson. That could have been me. That WILL be me if I were to continue on the path I was on. I try to picture myself in their shoes. I try to feel what they must have been feeling at that time. Then I take a step back and ask myself whether or not that's an experience I want or need to have in order to prove to myself that the problem I have is real or, if the other person's story can serve as warning enough to me. Usually it's the latter. Maybe that's easy for me because I had definitely already started down the path where those "bad" things were within grasp and my life could have turned into that story in an instant. I don't know if this is helpful at all. Hopefully so. I would just try and take a step back and ask yourself if seeing the burn victim's hand is enough or if you really need to jump in the fire.
ReplyDeleteThanks Erin,
ReplyDeleteRight now it is enough. I'm just afraid in one, two or maybe six years, I'll look away from the fire and poof, I'll be gone....
I think the fact that you're thinking about this so honestly is really amazing.
ReplyDeleteUsually, I think, when people relapse because of the "maybe I wansn't that bad" thoughts, it's because that sneaky bastard Denial has caught up to them again (not judging here, it happened to me dozens of times). The best defense against this is to talk about it, go to meetings, tell your truth.
Even though I had a pretty low bottom, I get those thoughts, too. I think it's something every alcoholic in recovery struggles with. When I get like that I'm so grateful for other sober people to talk to, because I know that left to my own resources I'd be in trouble.
Thanks for sharing this!
-Ellie
Wow, I feel the EXACT same way. I think if I keep myself immersed in the BFB and get involved in AA that will help me remember how it was when I was drinking. Other people's stories help me so much too. If I get away from hearing others in recovery, I know I will go back to drinking because 'I wasn't THAT bad' (yet!). It is scary, but you are doing all the right things and that's all you can do! I also keep reminding myself that Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will only get worse.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
Tanya