Feelings

The other day I was making my son a lemon/pudding/cake for his 9th birthday party and a wave came over me. It was like a happy feeling, so I sat and kindof felt it and thought about it. I think it was a grateful feeling. I wasn't really sure at first since a few months ago I only had negative feelings ie: mad/cheated/not-supported, etc.
Looking forward to a glass a wine - even if I'm not going to have it until the clock hits 5. It still takes up the WHOLE day. For so long, I thought I wasn't that bad because I don't drink until 5:00 or sometimes 5:30. But it consumed me for the entire day. It robbed me of my life for how many years..
Not anymore. I want to feel the negative feelings and work through them because then I get to feel ALL the positive feelings too!

Did I hit my bottom?

So I went to two meetings last night. One was a living sober meeting and the other was a speaker meeting, where a group came in from out of town. Anyway, the meetings were awesome! I learned a lot, heard a lot, took in a lot. The only question is..have I hit my bottom? Some of the women that spoke had 6 years sobriety and started up again, for 5 more years of drinking, then got sober again. I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! I'm so afraid of that happening, it takes my breath away. When I go to these meetings, I feel like a fraud, like I will be back after I really hit my bottom, like this is just a dress rehearsal, because the real "drunk" in me hasn't revealed itself. The sober person I am today is the "good girl" always doing the right thing. Is it possible to STAY sober when you haven't lost everything?

Aha Moment

I have just returned from a great vacation at Cape Cod with my family. I was there for 13 days! The longest ever. It was very relaxing and for the first time I did it sober! I also fiinnaallyyy finished "Lit". It took me a long time to get into it and then I just hit a groove. The Aha came while I was reading her chapters about prayer. She was describing exactly how I felt. But after I finished it - I got it. (I think) (I hope) I decided to start praying. So I try to remember to do it every morning and every night. And every time I want to say something judgemental about someone, I stop myself and say "Who am I to judge" I have been repeating the Serentity prayer over and over and over in my head when I'm mad at my husband or kids. I've been asking God to help me be a kinder person, stay sober, anything....because after reading Mary Karr's book, I figure if she can do it--I can do it!