9 Months

Dear Moi,
Just wanted to tell you, your doing a great job in your recovery. In your life. You've been doing a lot of work on yourself..not drinking for 9 months is a long time. I know you couldn't wait to pass this mark because it means its the longest you've gone without alcohol except when you were pregnant. I mean the last time you went over 9 months was probably when you were 14. Maybe 15?
Anyway, I'm noticing!!! Even though there are others that do not.
Please continue to pray, go to therapy, grow, love yourself, praise yourself. Try not to beat yourself up so much.
Its a long road. But you can do this!
I LOVE YOU
Moi

Party

So last night I went to a party with all the girls I used to hang out with in high school. I was a little nervous because I haven't seen a lot of these ladies since high school. I wondered if my not drinking was going to come up. So I brought a few O'Douls and figured I can handle this.
It turns out I wasn't the only one not drinking--there were at least 2 others "being honest." Only 1 person asked about my not drinking and I felt a little funny since I tend to explain things toooooo much. I just said I was enjoying my wine way too much, and thought I needed a break.
I had a great time and laughed my ass off.
Every day I feel the "real" me emerging. That little girl that thought she could take on the world but got squashed out somewhere along the way is breaking out and becoming the women she was meant to be.
I am proud of that little girl and that women!

A New Day

Yesterday I forgot to pray and my pretty good morning slowly moved into a crappy afternoon into a really shitty night. My husband snapped at me a few times and apologized but then snapped at me again and I snapped! I left. I couldn't be in my house anymore and it would have been a perfect time to go to a meeting but instead I chose to wallow in my own misery about what I don't even really know. I came back and treated my kids/husband like crap pretty much for the rest of the night.
And now as I am writing this I still feel something...I just don't know what it is.....So I guess I will pray about it and hopefully figure out what it is and deal with it.
8 months ago I would have felt guilt and shame and thought about 5:00 and when I could open my bottle of wine.
Today I feel hope and different and okay.

I know that I am in Recovery

My Daily Affirmation for today:

How do I know that I'm recovering? I know that I'm recovering because I'm standing up for myself. Nobody can put me down anymore.
I know that I'm recovering because I am teaching my children to be themselves-and to be proud of it.
I know I'm recovering because I can feel.
I know I'm recovering because I'm seeing the reality in all situations. I am refusing to be hopeless about anything.
I know I'm recovering because I realize that the failure in any of my relationships was not my fault. I am not a failure because a relationship didn't work out.
I know I'm recovering because I don't have to do everything perfectly.
These signs of recovery did not appear all at once. Gradually, through time, I am noticing changes that let me know that my struggle is worth the effort.

Feelings

The other day I was making my son a lemon/pudding/cake for his 9th birthday party and a wave came over me. It was like a happy feeling, so I sat and kindof felt it and thought about it. I think it was a grateful feeling. I wasn't really sure at first since a few months ago I only had negative feelings ie: mad/cheated/not-supported, etc.
Looking forward to a glass a wine - even if I'm not going to have it until the clock hits 5. It still takes up the WHOLE day. For so long, I thought I wasn't that bad because I don't drink until 5:00 or sometimes 5:30. But it consumed me for the entire day. It robbed me of my life for how many years..
Not anymore. I want to feel the negative feelings and work through them because then I get to feel ALL the positive feelings too!

Did I hit my bottom?

So I went to two meetings last night. One was a living sober meeting and the other was a speaker meeting, where a group came in from out of town. Anyway, the meetings were awesome! I learned a lot, heard a lot, took in a lot. The only question is..have I hit my bottom? Some of the women that spoke had 6 years sobriety and started up again, for 5 more years of drinking, then got sober again. I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN TO ME! I'm so afraid of that happening, it takes my breath away. When I go to these meetings, I feel like a fraud, like I will be back after I really hit my bottom, like this is just a dress rehearsal, because the real "drunk" in me hasn't revealed itself. The sober person I am today is the "good girl" always doing the right thing. Is it possible to STAY sober when you haven't lost everything?

Aha Moment

I have just returned from a great vacation at Cape Cod with my family. I was there for 13 days! The longest ever. It was very relaxing and for the first time I did it sober! I also fiinnaallyyy finished "Lit". It took me a long time to get into it and then I just hit a groove. The Aha came while I was reading her chapters about prayer. She was describing exactly how I felt. But after I finished it - I got it. (I think) (I hope) I decided to start praying. So I try to remember to do it every morning and every night. And every time I want to say something judgemental about someone, I stop myself and say "Who am I to judge" I have been repeating the Serentity prayer over and over and over in my head when I'm mad at my husband or kids. I've been asking God to help me be a kinder person, stay sober, anything....because after reading Mary Karr's book, I figure if she can do it--I can do it!